


Canis Majoris

by milesofpages



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 16 year old James Potter, Completed, Drunk Sirius Black, F/M, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Sixth Year, In which Sirius screws everyone at Hogwarts, James Potter is an angel, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Friendship, Minor Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Oneshot, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Sirius Needs a Hug, Sirius's mom is awful, sirius black is full of angst, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-29
Updated: 2016-06-29
Packaged: 2018-07-19 01:37:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7339285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milesofpages/pseuds/milesofpages
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peter had told Sirius once that according to Muggles, stars were balls of fire. The biggest one was Canis Majoris: literally, the Great Dog, which Sirius liked. It made the sun look almost invisible in comparison. Sirius thought that he was like these balls of fire - passionate, dangerous, beautiful, but distant and unapproachable. If anyone became too close to him, they burned. He stopped thinking about constellations.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Canis Majoris

_Before they’re put together, machines never come with any extra parts-- they have the exact amount they need; no more, no less. Sometimes Sirius thinks about this, and wishes that the world was like a muggle machine. That way, he couldn’t possibly be a spare part._

* * *

 

“Hey, James, have you happened to see Sirius recently? I haven’t seen him since potions, and that was,” Remus checked his pocket watch, “nearly six hours ago.”

James shook his head, a puzzled and concerned expression making it’s way onto the almost-seventeen-year-old boy’s face. Sirius had been quiet lately-- ever since Christmas, it had been nearly impossible to read him. Despite James’ pleads for Sirius to come to his house for the holidays and to not even bother with the Black family, Sirius had insisted, saying that it was his last real chance to make things right with them. Besides, as Sirius had explained, it wasn’t as though anything actually bad would happen. Perhaps his parents weren’t particularly fond of his friends or the way he carried himself, or of the fact that he was the only member of his family who had ever been in Gryffindor, but family is still family, and blood ties are thicker than water. Or so he told himself.

So James had let Sirius go without any more pleading, and the boy’s mind was made up. Christmas was quiet without Sirius, as James had spent many of the previous Christmases in the constant, warm presence of his best friend. Sirius had become a brother to him, and the house felt empty without him.

James barely remembered a time that he hadn’t been with Sirius. His mother always joked that they were pasted together with muggle glue-- a statement that had made the boys laugh at the time, but proved endlessly to be nothing less than accurate. They were entwined by a single string, James and Sirius-- two hands ticking on the same clock face, two sails propelling the same boat, two leaves connected at the same branch, spinning endlessly in the wind but remaining intact and together.

They’d met on the train, battling over Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans and exchanging playing cards eagerly. Sirius laughed louder than any of them, his eyes twinkling in amazement as the strange, small muggleborn boy named Peter (who couldn’t be called mudblood, as a shocked Sirius had learned immediately when he used the slur out of habit and received a box to the ear by James) traded him bits of his peanut butter sandwich-- “they make butter? Out of _peanuts_?”-- for pieces of a chocolate frog. The well groomed, quiet boy with small scars on his face -- “I have a… a dog, at home, it attacked me once, but I’m really alright” -- had watched them carefully, seeming to judge his decisions with a watchful eye and close-kept tongue. Sirius had been determined to win him over, to make him smile.

The boy, who introduced himself as Remus and combed his fingers nervously through his hair, had quickly proven to be an even match of wit, albeit quiet, for the smart mouth of Sirius. James and Sirius bonded instantly, Sirius found Remus endlessly fascinating, and Peter immediately became the glue that held them together. The four boys had been absolutely thrilled when they were sorted into the same house, and even more ecstatic when they were allowed to room together (under the _very_ watchful eye of Minerva McGonagall). They very quickly became their own little family.

 

 

 

> _So many mouths to kiss._
> 
> _So many bodies to touch, to cradle, to fill._
> 
> _So many hearts to break._
> 
> _Sirius can break them like his had been broken, if he wanted to._

 

James clearly remembered the first time he woke up to the sound of crying, a few months into their first year.

It was hopeless, bitter crying, uncontrolled but muffled, gurgled into a pillow in the middle of the night. He sat up silently and looked around the room, before seeing the shaking body of Sirius curled into a ball face down on his bed, wheezing, unable to breathe, drowning in the ocean of his own tears and choking on his hunger for validation.

James had moved silently, sitting at the side of this little boy whose life he barely knew, but whose soul who he already felt tethered to. “Sirius,” he whispered, hesitant, frightened. “Sirius, are you okay?”

Sirius immediately stopped shaking, stopped crying, almost stopped breathing. He hadn’t known he’d been seen. He’d been careful-- he’d always been careful. He couldn’t look weak.

James put a careful hand on the other boy’s back. “What happened? You can tell me. I won’t tell anyone, Sirius.” Silence. “Please.” Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

“I told them I was in Gryffindor.”

“Who?”

“My mum and dad.”

“And?”

“They’re in Slytherin.” _Hiccup._

“And?”

“They hate Gryffindor.” _Whimper._

“I’m sure they don’t--”

“My mum sent me a howler, saying that if I was in Gryffindor I… I wasn’t--- I couldn’t--- I could never be a real-- a real member of the B-Black f-family…”

“Wasn’t that last week…?”

“I know I’m being stupid, I know I know I know I know I--” Sirius clawed at his face violently and let out a soft wail, dropping forward and pressing his fists to his eyes.

James caught his head carefully, and wrapped his arms around him, letting Sirius cry into his chest. James didn’t say much, unsure of what exactly to do. After what could have been minutes or hours, James finally noticed that the tears and coughs and gurgles had stopped; Sirius had fallen asleep.

The night terrors happened often. The boys never spoke of them, but James often hung a wet shirt on his bed and went to class a little more tired than usual. He didn’t mind.

 

 

 

> _Sometimes he fantasized that_
> 
> _Maybe if he screwed them all, kissed all of them into oblivion_
> 
> _it would make him feel better,_
> 
> _physically._
> 
> _Get some sort of physical satisfaction_
> 
> _To fill the void_
> 
> _Of the physical affection that he lacked,_
> 
> _And the beauty was taken from him_
> 
> _With every word that dribbled from his mother’s honeyed lips,_
> 
> _With every curse,_
> 
> _With every strike,_
> 
> _With every threat._
> 
> _He loved the way they clutched at his hair, his back, his neck._
> 
> _Their cheeks flushed._
> 
> _Their eyes alight, like stars._
> 
>  
> 
> _(Peter had told him once that according to Muggles, stars were balls of fire. The biggest one was Canis Majoris: literally, the Great Dog, which Sirius liked. It made the sun look almost invisible in comparison. Sirius thought that he was like these balls of fire - passionate, dangerous, beautiful, but distant and unapproachable. If anyone became too close to him, they burned. He stopped thinking about constellations.)_

 

Every girl in third year was in love with Sirius by the time they turned thirteen; or so it seemed to James.

“Lily doesn’t love me,” Sirius laughed in transfiguration, trying to comfort James, who kept catching his reflection in the mirror and lamenting the fact that he looked nothing like Sirius and _my god,_ did he want to snog as many girls as Sirius had (which, to be precise, was four girls. But Sirius always made the tales of his affairs much more extravagant than they were-- and truthfully, none of the other boys really minded). “Well, Lily doesn’t love you either, but she sure as hell doesn’t love me.”

“Language, Sirius,” Professor McGonagall chided from the front of the room, her frown disapproving but her eyes twinkling ever-so-slightly with amusement.

Sirius apologized quickly and turned back to James. “Listen, Prongs. You are a beautiful piece of arse. Lily would have to be a total moron to pass you up. Just keep hitting on her, being the clever, pretty little boy that you are, and she’s bound to come around.”

“I dunno, Padfoot. You know Lily. She’s not the most… open to me.”

“It just takes some coaxing, that’s all. You’ll get the girl in no time. Trust me, I could totally kiss her by this evening if I tried hard enough.”

“Is that a challenge?”

“It could be.”

Lily didn’t understand why James looked so cross he ran across her later that evening, sitting with a big black dog that had appeared almost entirely out of nowhere. She certainly didn’t understand why James stormed off angrily when the dog licked her cheek. She patted his head and nuzzled his nose.

Thirteen year old boys were a nuisance.

  

 

 

> _Butterbeer was good, but firewhiskey was better._
> 
> _Sometimes, when he drank too much, Sirius wondered what Remus’s face would look like in his hands._
> 
> _He’d never tried._
> 
> _Remus wasn’t like the other boys,_
> 
> _The ones he’d gotten drunk with and giggled with and kissed until they remembered that_
> 
> _As soft as Sirius was,_
> 
> _He wasn’t a girl._
> 
> _He couldn’t do that._
> 
> _Not with Remus._
> 
> _Would it be any different?_
> 
> _Would he pull away?_
> 
> _Would the fire constellations be in his eyes, too?_
> 
> _Sirius tried to push these thoughts away._

 

The house was so much more alive the first year that Sirius stayed with them. He’d arrived in their fireplace one night during 4th year, sobbing and shaking and bleeding and begging for James. He swore he’d never do it again, but Harry told him he could and _please oh please don’t make me go back._

The Potters told him _of course,_ he could stay. In fact, he could stay for as long as he wanted-- he was their honorary son, after all. He might as well cozy in and stay for Christmas.

“They’ll come for me, please, don’t let them take me, I don’t want them to take me,” Sirius had panted, only to be welcomed by the loving embrace of Euphemia Potter.

“It’s alright, Sirius-- James, would you go fetch him a blanket?-- Sirius, dear, would you like a cuppa?”

“Yes please, ma’am. I-- I’m sorry, I haven’t been like this since I was… since I was ten.”

“Nonsense, no need to apologize, love. Just make yourself comfortable, we can talk tomorrow.”

Sirius fell back asleep on the couch, and Euphemia found the two boys curled up together the next morning, the same way that she would find them, sometimes, when they were little boys. She smiled, and placed another present under the Christmas tree, marked with Sirius’ name.

 

 

 

> _If he was a star,_
> 
> _He could burn her._
> 
> _He could burn her,_
> 
> _The way that she burned him._
> 
> _Remus would tell him to forgive her._
> 
>  
> 
> _Bullshit._
> 
>  
> 
> _Since when did he listen_
> 
> _To the advice of the boy_
> 
> _Who cried Wolf?_
> 
> _More firewhiskey._

 

Fifth year, Sirius had his first real girlfriend. Pretty thing, with wide blue eyes and dark curly hair.

Her mother was a powerful witch, and her father was a squib who ran a bookshop in Hogsmeade. She was a ravenclaw, and a prefect, and the top of her class. Entirely Remus’ type, but she had picked Sirius. Remus paid no attention to her, or to any other romantic advances in general. Mooney was not moony over anyone.

She was mysterious, and Sirius loved every ounce of her. She managed to convince him to get his grades up, she listened carefully to all of his antics and empathized with his sadness.

Of course it broke his heart, when he learned that she sided with Voldemort. He’d only dated her for two months, but he fully believed that he had fallen passionately in love. It was a bit ironic, really, that he’d finally wound up with a girl his parents might have stamped some sort of approval on, and the cause of that approval was the very reason that he couldn’t stay with her.

They never even kissed-- Sirius respected her that much. In retrospect, Sirius was happy that he never got to leave his mark.

He cried to Remus, who held Sirius’s face in his hands and tried to understand, wiping away his tears. It didn't quite feel like Sirius had imagined, but he was sad when Remus let go all too soon.

 

 

 

> _Maybe, if he just drank a little more…._
> 
> _He’d forget._
> 
>  
> 
> _Forever._

 

“Sirius-- Merlin’s beard, I’ve been searching the entire castle for you. Do you know how late it is? You could get in a lot of trouble, being out like this,” James scolded Sirius, partially annoyed and partially relieved, at his friend’s appearance-- an odd time and place, nevertheless.

“You sound like Remus, Prongs,” he droned lazily, the words pooling from his tongue and spilling slowly, slowly, _slowly_ onto the stone floor.

“I’m starting to feel like him, chasing after you.”

Sirius’s eyes fluttered up, his breath catching for a moment. “What?”

“He’s always getting after you for all of the crazy things you do, always cleaning up after you. I can’t imagine he manages babysitting you on top of being a prefect, and going for Head Boy.”

Sirius’s eyes dropped back to the ground. “I suppose.”

James tugged at Sirius’s cloak, beckoning him to get up. “We need to get back to the dorms, right now.”

 

Silence.

 

“Sirius, I’m not kidding. Look, I have the invisibility cloak, but we need to leave right now if we don’t want to be scrubbing pans with the house elves for a week and--”

“James.”

“--I don’t know where in Gryffindor’s name you’ve been but you smell like alcohol and you look awful and we need to get you cleaned up and in bed as soon as possible or we’re all going to get in trouble and--”

“James _.”_

“--for God’s sake Sirius, you have an exam tomorrow, and I don’t even know how you’re going to get out of bed in time to--”

“ _James.”_  

“--I’ll have to make up all of these lies to cover for you, and you weren’t even thinking about poor Remus, there’s a full moon tomorrow. And I’ve been looking for you for hours and I thought you were dead and I’m sorry I’m scolding you but you really can’t keep--”

“James, I fucked a 7th year.”

“You… what?”

“I fucked a 7th year and I _don’t even know her name._ ” Sirius buried his face in his hands, and James went quiet, unsure of what to say. “Why don’t I feel any better?” he pleaded, his eyes sharp like broken glass.

“I… Sirius. When was this?”

“A couple of hours ago, I don’t know, I’m so drunk, I hate myself, I’m so sorry--” he burst into those broken hearted tears, the same ones that James had wiped away during those nights in first year, the same ones that Remus had caught in his hands during 5th year. “I- I thought that maybe, I would feel less empty but I don’t and I just--” He downed another gulp of firewhiskey and began to pour himself another glass, but James gently lifted it out of his hands.

“C’mon, Sirius, we’re going to bed.”

“She burned me out.”

“Who, the 7th year? I know you’re embarrassed, but it’s really not--”

“My mother. I thought she would at least wait until I was out of the house to disown me… but I suppose I was wrong.” His face twisted with grief, his voice whisper and his breath a broken rattle. “I… I had an argument with them, and… she told me to get out… and Regulus--” he reached out blindly for the bottle again, which James kept away from him-- “Regulus told me he never wanted to see me again.” He pressed his face into James’ chest, and James’ comforted him for as long as it took.

They fell asleep in Sirius’s bed, curled in the way that they always fit so perfectly when they were little.

 

Sirius awoke the next morning with the sun streaming in through the windows and his head pounding horribly. He moaned and sat up, rubbing his eyes and remembering, hazily, what had happened the night before. He didn’t know how he was going to get past this one… he’d really, really screwed up.

He looked at a clock-- _11:30? How the hell did he sleep in that late?_ \-- before noticing the note beside his bed.

 

_My Dear Padfoot,_

_We let you sleep. Don’t worry about homework, James and I have you covered. As far as your exam goes, we told Flitwick that you weren’t feeling well, but begged him not to say anything-- said that you were embarrassed. We might have used some minor ad baculum to keep him quiet-- you know, just a little under the rug threatening-- but nothing too serious. Needless to say, no one’s going to come looking for you._

_James left you some breakfast and will bring you some lunch, try your best to sleep off your hangover. We know if you went to the hospital wing that you’d be cured in a jiffy, but you being you, I know you’d like to avoid that... I left some chocolate… I’ve never been drunk, unlike yourself, so I can’t say how well it works, but I find chocolate to be the best way to heal a damaged soul, dementor attack or no._

_Leaving you the map, in case you get bored. Don’t get in trouble._

 

_Love,_

_Mooney_

 

_PS. PLEASE don’t do THAT again, and I pray most sincerely that you were careful… the last thing we need is more of you running around._

_PPS. Peter is telling me to apologize for that last bit. I would, but…. I don’t have time. See you later, Padfoot._

 

Sirius smiled, and unwrapped the chocolate bar. As he chewed, he concluded that Remus was definitely right… chocolate was definitely a cure for the soul.

**Author's Note:**

> So, I have a confession to make.
> 
> I've been writing fanfiction since I was eleven, and this is the first Harry Potter fic I have ever written. I was a bit of a late bloomer as far as the HP series goes, and actually didn't finish it until this year. (So maybe that's a blessing, because that means that there aren't any god-awful fanfics floating around the internet with my name on them).
> 
> That being said, I have fallen positively IN LOVE with the series. I love everything about it, but my favorite side of the fandom has to be the group of Marauders Era Fans. 
> 
> So, I hope you enjoyed it! Questions, comments, concerns? Feel free to leave a comment, I love getting them :)


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